Platypus.photo #107
lady: greetings co-worker.
man: thank you co-worker.
lady: notice how i didn’t refer to any specific gender or hierarchy of authority.
man: yes good job. and i didn’t make any personal references, inquiries or assumptions.
lady: i don’t think “good job” is an appropriate phrase. good infers it could be better or worse.
man: how about i say well done?
lady: that could be the proper level of ambiguity.
man: i shall run it by human resources.
lady: please keep me informed of their feedback. i want to keep the workplace copacetic.
man: that’s a fantastic word but a fancy vocabulary could make someone feel intellectually inferior.
lady: valid point. i’m glad we’re here to help each other with positive and constructive critique.
man: have you noticed the weather is quite ordinary for this time of season.
lady: and the news has been very informative lately. with many facts and anecdotes.
man: indeed it has. i heard that the president.
lady: shhh!!!
man: oh my gosh. i’m sorry. i almost said something political. thanks for catching me.
lady: these new workplace rules take getting used to. it’s an acceptable miscalculation.
man: well. i think that is enough banter so as not to make you feel psychologically uncomfortable.
lady: valid perception co-worker. we should part ways and continue with our intended job functions.
man: perhaps we shall cross paths again later since we work in cubicles next to each other.
lady: yes we do. mine is an enjoyable cubicle with ample size and suitable working conditions.
man: happy to hear that. mine is similarly adequate with no discernment of unpleasantries.
lady: during our verbal exchange. you kept good eye contact to all the appropriate places. well done.
man: and you’ve kept a safe physical distance of 24 inches or more. well done.
lady: goodbye for now.
man: yes. goodbye for now.
Platypus.photo #183
hi steve. i called you on facetime so i can screenshot your reaction. i moved out all my stuff today after the blonde upstairs showed me the sex video you made with her. good lighting by the way. most self-shot porn is dark and grainy but yours came out very nice on her iphone x. so this is me kissing your ass goodbye with one final smooch.
i’m not angry. i’ll just chalk it up to another life lesson. of which i’ve had many. it’s my fault for ignoring the warning signs. but i’m happy i didn’t waste more time with you. i’m pretty awesome so i’m not worried about me. or what happens next. anyway, hope you grow up one day and learn the difference between love and lust. bye bye.
Platypus.photo #116
my husband and i have so many photos. more photos than i can count. or print. or post. but i wish we had a painting of us together. something unique. artistic. that captures the special connection we have. we could hang it in an art gallery so people could be inspired to experience what we feel every day: friendship. companionship. a deep, genuine, heartfelt passionate love.
that painting could serve as a barometer for others to strive for in their own relationship. and remind them to reinforce their love and commitment every day through respect, kindness and compromise. true love isn’t a feeling. it’s an emotion. it’s not a promise. it’s a devotion.
Platypus.photo #52
love is love.
except when you attempt to control it. define it. restrict it.
then you dilute it. categorize it. diminish it.
however.
my love can’t be labeled.
my love can’t be contained
my love can’t be determined.
by anyone.
but me.
Platypus.photo #102
wife: (whispering) honey. don’t look but those 3 people at the next table are staring at us.
husband: (whispering) don’t look? how am i supposed to assess the situation?
wife: go for the salt and pepper nonchalantly.
husband: thanks for the tip. i was going to go for the salt and pepper aggressively. oh my god! they’re staring! i thought you meant casually observing.
wife: take evasive maneuvers.
husband: holy crap. i have no training for this. i took some krav maga but that was years ago. i told you to wear heels. with sharp heels we could stab them. i’ll go to the bathroom and gather more intel.
wife: intel? did you suddenly join the fbi? talk to them. before they kidnap us. or kill us. or worse.
husband: what’s worse than killing us? ok. we look worried now. let’s fake laugh. (louder) hahaha. you’re so funny!
wife: (louder) i should do standup comedy except i have bad knees so it’s hard to stand.
husband: (whispering) it’s invasion of the body snatchers. they want to take over our earthly bodies.
wife: (whispering) more like an ethnic version of good fellas. it’s a mob hit. honey. do you owe gamblers? have you been associating with unsavory characters?
husband: they’re not even drinking their drinks. and those look really delicious. we should try one of those drinks. ok i’m gonna stare back. watch this. here i go!
wife: oh shit. you’re really doing it. good job honey. you’re staring them down. i’m so proud of you. but it’s not working. stop staring.
husband: i’m frozen with fear. i can’t move my head. can’t look away.
wife: you’re making things worse honey. stop staring at them.
husband: can’t move my neck. i’m so scared. i think i just pee’d my pants. ouch. my neck muscles cramped. turn my head for me! i don’t want to die in a tgi fridays. tell the kids i love them. and don’t forget to water my plumeria’s. remember they don’t do well in direct sunlight.
wife: ok screw this. (blurting out) hi! hi other table! sorry about my husband. his neck gets stuck sometimes. we think it’s out of batteries. we’re just gonna go to the nearest chiropractor now. or maybe a jiffy lube. those drinks look delicious by the way. please don’t kill us.
Platypus.photo #18
after steve got a job with lyft his first client was surprised when he showed up without a car but steve was surprisingly agile and efficient. he obeyed all traffic lights. had good air conditioning. and as an added bonus, she thought he was pretty cute!
Platypus.photo #24
her (thinking): oh shit. this is our honeymoon. technically we’ll never be more in love than at this moment. i think this is as good as it gets.
him (thinking): i can’t believe we’re starting our new life $37,000 in debt.
her (thinking): i promised myself i wouldn’t settle. i’m so stupid. how did i get here?
him (thinking): throw in 2 kids and i’m going to have a drive a freakin minivan.
her (thinking): this photographer is so cute he’s making me horny. shoot. i had so many options.
him (thinking): if she accidentally gets killed by a shark, at least i have a pretty hefty life insurance policy on her.
her (thinking): he wouldn’t even watch mama mia or the pitch perfect movies with me. what the hell?
him (thinking): how come all i can ever remember from the number pi is the first 3 digits: 3.14
her (thinking): ok count to three, take a breath, and be madly deeply in love with this fabulous, amazing guy!
him (thinking): ok stop checking out that girl’s ass and focus on your smart, beautiful wife!
Platypus.photo #93
great emotion. but taper it back. you’re happy in love, you didn’t win the lottery. better. now cover your eyes with the hearts. it’s not lame, it’s cute. and smile bigger. looks good. wait, it looks like you have gas. try a happy smile. not a constipated smile. that’s better. lift your chin higher to show that fantastic disheveled beard of yours you sexy hairy love beast. yes. that’s it you lochness monster. make love to the camera with your exuberance. nice!
wardrobe, button his shirt up. we have a forest of chest hair escaping. great. now more teeth. wait, less teeth. that looks creepy. don’t stick your tongue out. we want puppy love, not puppy with his head out the car window. that’s better. no, worse actually. try something else. no. no. nope. not that one. yes big foot! that one! hold it, hold it. chin up higher. elbows out. that’s it my big romantic sasquatch, perfect. shoot. i’m out of film. hold that pose.
Platypus.photo #87
that’s a great shot. now lift her higher. that’s it. little higher. now look lovingly into her eyes. not her nostrils. her eyes. great. little higher. wait, your arms are shaking. and you’re sweating. that’s not romantic. hang in there. now she lost a shoe. ok, lift her up again. more like she’s your lover and not a sack of flour. that’s it. higher, higher, higher.
ok, big smiles. no it looks very natural believe me. plus it’s a great stretch for your lower back and hamstrings. little higher. perfect. that’s perfect. now if you could just lift her up a little higher.
Platypus.photo #47
girl: this is my new pet. from the grocery store.
boy: nice one. does it have a name?
girl: apple.
boy: your pet apple is called apple?
girl: yes.
boy: that’s a good name.
girl: wanna pet it?
boy: yes i do.
girl: i’m good at picking apples.
boy: is it a girl apple?
girl: i’m not sure. does it matter?
boy: um.
girl: does it have to be a boy or a girl?
boy: i guess not.
girl: exactly.
Platypus.photo # 119
brownie. i don’t know what is a neuter but mommy says you won’t feel good today so i’ll be your nurse and take care of you. but please don’t poop in my bedroom. it already has a smelly candle and i can’t handle candle smell and poop smell at the same time ok? what should we do first? watch tv. play a game. i can brush your hair. wanna take a nap. my grandpa takes naps sitting on the couch. i can watch you sleep. and help you if you have a bad dream. cause you’re my best friend. no one else really understands me.
Platypus.photo #152
rain down on me. soak me with your sympathetic tears. it’s ok. i don’t mind. jimmy ripped my heart out of my body when he rejected me today. granted. i didn’t actually speak with him directly. and we never made eye contact. but. i secretly offered him my unconditional love. and he never talked to me or looked at me. he doesn’t know i exist.
now. i wish i didn’t exist. he can’t comprehend the intense love and devotion i have to offer. so. rinse the pain away. erase the memory of this moment. i’m too young to be alone. yet. i refuse to dwell on past emotional failures. i will focus only on my future. and. the man who deserves this special heart of mine.
Platypus.photos #68
after so many years as a married couple dan and deb find themselves merged together so seamlessly and in sync so succinctly they do everything exactly the same way at exactly the same time. as an added bonus and to be considered a double whammy of idiosyncratic proportions, they now also both boast a permanently frozen smile from taking thousands of selfies and happy couple photos with a fake but enthusiastic excitement pasted across their faces 24 hours a day, which has never proven to be an issue until just last week when they attended a funeral and sat in the front row.
Platypus.photo #141
man: i’m not too boring am i? i feel boring.
woman: you’re fascinating. i’m boring.
man: look at that hat. and nail polish. that’s not boring.
woman: i tend to be rather conservative. generally speaking.
man: that reduction in drama creates internal fulfillment in other emotionally pleasing ways.
woman: valid argument. ok i’m not boring. i’m peaceful. and simple.
man: and i’m refreshingly subtle and great at showing restraint. should we kiss now?
woman: kiss? here? now? seriously? in public?
man: it’s an uninhabited portion of the beach. it would be far from public exhibitionism.
woman: our first kiss. are you sure? we’ve only been dating 6 months.
man: it’s going splendidly. we have much in common. i would say, an abundant quantity.
woman: ok let’s kiss. what the heck. you only live once. you like left or right?
man: left or right what?
woman: when we kiss. you tilt your head marginally to a more lateral position.
man: oh i see. yes. i’m right handed. i guess we should both tilt right.
woman: tilt to the right. and kiss. on the count of 3. ok.
man: a smooch? or a long kiss? what’s the duration?
woman: a peck is too short and a lingering kiss is uncalled for. i say 3 seconds.
man: i’m ready. no tongue right? i don’t like tongue.
woman: heavens to betsy. no tongue. no thank you. just lips. sealed but not clenched.
man: you must have more kissing experience than me. i’m sorry.
woman: i practice sometimes. on my hand.
man: this is a lot of talking. i should have kissed you and not asked.
woman: that would be romantic. but unfair to catch me off guard and unprepared.
man: we kiss on the number 3 so 1 and 2 is providing ample time to move within closer kissing proximity.
woman: got it. 1, 2, then on 3 is a 3 second soft kiss closed lips no tongue right angle.
man: this will be highly enjoyable.
woman: i’m looking forward to it with great anticipation.
Platypus.photo #191
husband: i love loving you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
wife: you’re so cute. i love making loving to you while thinking about how much i love loving you so i’m pretty sure i love you more than you love me. my love 😍😬🤪😎😇
husband: let’s agree we love each other the same amount 🆗✅❌⭕️ 🕺🏼💃🏼
wife: hey lover boy, im hungry, meet you in the kitchen. 🍔🌮🍕🍷🏃🏻♂️👀🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♂️
husband: ok, text you back from the kitchen lover girl 👍🏼👍🏼✌🏼✌🏼👊🏼👊🏼
wife: hey, we don’t love texting more than we love each other, do we ❓🤨🤯😯🤭
husband: that’s ridiculous. we love texting as much as we love each other. not more or less ✌🏼👌🏼😆😁😀🐠🐹🌼🌸❤️
Platypus.photo #163
him: i can’t take my hands off you.
her: i know you’re so sexy. i can’t keep my hands off you either.
him: i mean i can’t remove my hands. i forgot i had crazy glue on them.
her: are you freakin serious?
him: it’s ok. let’s both just soak in a hot bath of baby oil or something.
her: that’s your plan? did you just make up that magical cure out of thin air?
him: yes, sounds good though right?
her: you know what sounds good. i rip off your beard and super glue it to your eyebrows.
him: well, let’s not get unruly. it’s a common mistake.
her: yes, of course. let me take a break from building my toy trains and hug my wife.
him: exactly, it’s the thought that counts. it was a romantic gesture.
her: how about don’t play with crazy glue with bare hands you brainless idiot!
him: yes. valid point. and definitely noted for future reference. my bad.
Platypus.photo #70
cat 1: it’s so peculiar to watch humans have sex.
dog 1: lucky bastard. i gotta lick my own balls.
cat 2: all those different positions. look exhausting. and completely unnecessary.
dog 2: hey, doggy style. the greatest gift we’ve given to humans. you’re welcome.
Platypus.photo #128
wife: you’re cutting the cucumbers too thick again.
husband: i know what i’m doing. stick to your pasta.
wife: the pasta will be perfect. unless it’s accompanied by a crappy salad.
husband: you always overcook the pasta. makes it too soft and limpy.
wife: you’re an expert on soft and limpy. especially in the bedroom.
husband: perhaps it’s because you’re not so exciting to look at any more.
wife: last night my pillow felt extra squishy but i realized i was laying on your chest.
husband: you have more hair in your nose and ears than i have on my head.
wife: i tried to massage your balls last night but i couldn’t find them.
husband: your boobs sag so much you need to wear a bra just to hold up your other bra.
wife: lucky for me you’re gonna die first so i can replace you and enjoy my final years.
husband: you’re still a feisty witch after all these years… i love you even more now than ever.
wife: you’re still a grumpy ogre after all these years... and i love you. almost as much as our neighbor’s husband.
husband: now that was a good one. you’re wit and sarcasm only improves over time.
wife: yes well, i have a fantastic verbal jouster to compete with. but i do love you dearly. and could not envision my life without you.
husband: then you’d better get on with that pasta before i starve to death. hey, red wine with dinner?
wife: finally, you have something sensible to add to the conversation. the merlot?
husband: no not the merlot sweetheart, the cabernet.
wife: ohhh. good idea. coming right up!
Platypus.photo #187
i don’t know who you are happy stock photo hat couple. but you came in the picture frame i bought at bed bath and beyond. i was going to put a photo of my cat in that frame but i left you two love birds. your cute photo makes me smile. and feel good. but also a tad jealous. i’ve never experienced your kind of love. you radiate boundless affection. with your matching hats and sunglasses.
and you both have long eyelashes. i found that the most interesting. guess i kept looking for a flaw. but i couldn’t detect one. i have flaws. i’m ordinary at best. i’m physically awkward. i’m not particularly smart. but i have a simple. satisfying life. there is peace in accepting my place in the world. greatness will never befall unto me. happiness is not needing more. more money. more love. more house. more car. complacency comes with a calm embrace.
i live day to day. with what i have. when i turn on the tv people are trying to change me. i need this and that and these and those. they tell me how to be happier. skinnier. wealthier. so much advice. and nonsense. i smile at my tv. i shake my head politely. is perception reality? or is reality perception? i won’t be on the cover of a magazine or in a hollywood movie.
but maybe one day someone will take a picture of me. and put me in a frame. and someone will buy that frame at bed bath and beyond. and look upon that photo of me and think i’m perfect. they won’t find a flaw in me. even if they try. and they would smile. and wonder. if they could ever have. what i have.
Platypus.photo #202
wife: i heard a beep. is that it. is he gone now?
nurse: no. not yet. actually he stabilized surprisingly well.
wife: of course. it’s just. there’s a very large life insurance policy.
nurse: are you saying what i think you’re saying?
wife: of course not. i hope he lives a long happy life. but he’s gonna go. for sure right?
nurse: the human body is a miracle of wonders. beyond our comprehension sometimes.
wife: so what’s his chances of recovery. if it’s above 10% just nod your head slowly.
nurse: you should talk to his doctor. or perhaps the staff psychiatrist.
wife: then can you go get some extra pillows or something. so we can be alone.
nurse: we can monitor him from the nurses station. should something drastic. happen.
wife: of course. that’s a great idea. monitor him. is that this machine here. plugged in the wall?
nurse: i think you should let him get some rest. without you.
wife: actually i think i’ll take him home. he looks much better suddenly.
nurse: i think i’ll go get security.
wife: yes you do that. i just hope he doesn’t fall off the bed. i mean, the side rails are down. if he rolls over suddenly i may not be strong enough to stop him.
nurse: on second thought i think i’ll just stand here. until visiting hours are over.
wife: i understand. and i’m sorry if i seemed insensitive earlier. so what are the odds you’ll help me roll him off the bed onto the floor. if it’s if it’s above 10% just nod your head slowly.