Platypus.photo #13
warning:
the following file (love) can be downloaded however it is not a recommended format and may result in: stress. hurt feelings. crying. yelling. passive-aggressive behaviors.
please consider a new file. like friendship. or loneliness. or just get a pet. love is unpredictable. unstable. and prone to erratic behaviors.
press escape to exit. or press ok to continue at your own risk.
Platypus.photo #136
husband: you’re so beautiful. i love the way you look socially acceptable everywhere we go.
wife: and you look handsome and perfect as always. you belong in a nordstrom catalogue.
husband: since it’s valentines day i bought you flowers. but i’m not sure why.
wife: you’re so sweet. always being extra nice to me on all the major holidays.
husband: should we make a toast?
wife: no thanks. i don’t like champagne.
husband: me either. but it’s what we’re supposed to order.
wife: so what’s in the box. a typical pair of diamond earrings?
husband: i’m not sure. i told the lady at the jewelry store i wanted to spend $500.
wife: i’m going to smile and look at you lovingly while i plan out the rest of the week in my head.
husband: i’m going to kiss your hand now cause i’ve seen it in movies and it’s always romantic.
wife: happy valentines day darling. i love you.
husband: happy valentines day my love. i love you.
Platypus.photo #84
i’m the consumer. i consume. as much alcohol as i want. you’re the server. you serve. ok mr bartender? you also tend. the bar. so don’t pretend. the bar. doesn’t exist. i’ll declare when i haves too many drinks. to drink. that’s what i meant to mean. i can’t even get drunk with all this fruit to eat. geez. what’s with the fruit. is this a salad bar or a drink bar bar.
wait. that sounded funny. there was a cartoon elephant named barbar. or maybe babar. either way. it sounds like barber. and you need a haircut. has the mirror looked at you lately? why are these straws so curly? it’s giving me an eye ache. is that so you can charge more. fancy straws. ka-ching. extra fruit. ka-ching. and why fruit on drinks. why not vegetables?
let’s see. green green pink pink oranges. how about blue. please serve me a blue drink server waiter bartender man. hey why is so wet in here? shoot, i’m in the pool. i totally forgot. haha.
Platypus.photo #1
happiness is one of life’s greatest illusions. if the darkness comes. and consumes your head. and heart. and soul. there is always an alternate path. to escape the pain. and discomfort. and anxiety. of another day.
save.org (suicide awareness voices of education)
Platypus.photo #97
it’ll be ok daniel. don’t think of it as me breaking up with you. more like. you’ll never see me again. thank you for understanding and taking this so well. it’s not you or me. we just don’t match. you’re a plain white t-shirt kind of guy. and i’m a pleasantly and pleasingly girl living in a colorful but subdued visual world with soothing blends of mediocrity and calmness. my lavender top, beige sofa and semi-gloss eggshell colored apartment walls simply can’t handle the clashing variance and contrast you bring to the table.
thanks for being a champ and taking it so well. it’s like my mom always said. if you don’t jump to conclusions then conclusions will jump to you. i never understood what that meant but in this situation it seems appropriate to use that analogy. so jump away greg. jump jump away. into the arms of your next awaiting girlfriend. and may peace be with you.
Platypus.photo #153
hi i’m dave. this is so great. the app says we’re a 94% match and perfect for each other. we both enjoy movies. doing things outdoors. we live in the same city. we’re of a similar age and height. plus i’m seeking a girl. and you’re seeking a guy. what could possibly go wrong? i didn’t know online dating could be so simple, fast and effective. guess the commercials are right! i’m so excited. you’re the first profile i even clicked on but yep. they nailed it. let’s meet up soon so we can start living happily ever after!!
Platypus.photo #98
that’s a great photo. now bethany, point to something like it’s the most fascinating thing you’ve ever seen. nathaniel, gawk at it with anticipation. good but don’t raise your eyebrows so much. that looks creepy. now both laugh. hahaha. something is funny. good. nathaniel. lower your eyebrows. it’s crinkling your forehead and squinting your eyes. smile but don’t raise your eyebrows at the same time.
your mouth and eyebrows shouldn’t be connected. they’re different parts of your body. no i’m not an osteologist. i’m just a photographer but your eyebrows should be independent and not physically impacted by other parts of your body. plus i need you to make less of that sherlock holmes introspective detective face. we want to see a happy man in love not hercule poirot solving a who dunnit mystery.
ok now it looks like you have a frozen popsicle stuck up your ass and you’re unsure if it feels good or bad. and there go your eyebrows again. they’re too high. your eyebrows should never be higher than the hair on your head. heavens to betsy. let’s just take a break while i re-evaluate my career path. i once made the cover shot on time magazine and now i’m trying to tame amateur eyebrows for meager earnings.
Platypus.photo #127
her: literally the only thing good about us is the sex.
him: i know. it’s like i hate you all day, but then we get in bed and sparks fly.
her: you’re so boring but once you’re on top of me i can’t get enough of you.
him: i’ve been wanting to break up with you for 6 months.
her: me too. but more like 8 months. that’s so funny.
him: we just need to get our sex life happiness into other parts of our life.
her: that’s impossible. we have nothing in common.
him: we’re complete opposites.
her: tell me about it. hey i’m hungry. let’s eat breakfast.
him: too early. how about a walk. looks like a nice day.
her: we can walk at the mall. that’s walking but more fun.
him: every mall has the same stores. it’s so lame.
her: we could stay in and have wild sex.
him: awesome idea! guess we do have something in common. we’re both nymphos.
her: stop talking and start screwing already.
him: roger that. here comes the thunder!
Platypus.photo #170
#1: but i don’t want to break up with you.
#2: what we have isn’t working.
#1: we can make it better.
#2: we keep trying to make it better.
#1: when it’s working. it’s great.
#2: i want great all the time. not sometimes.
#1: i believe in us. i want us to work. let’s try again.
#2: almost breaking up does make us get along better.
#1: cause we realize we don’t want to be single and it makes us both try harder.
#2: that might just be dumb enough to work.
#1: you mean brilliant enough to work. breaking up is why making up feels so good.
#2: you’re right. next monday let’s almost break up again.
#1: i think we just saved our relationship.
#2: i think we just found a cure for divorce!
Platypus.photo #174
i don’t know why everyone complains about being a single mom. it’s so easy and so much fun. whenever junior gets amped up or needs a diaper change or when i go get my hair and nails done, i just hand him to his live-in nanny. geez. i guess some moms just like to complain.
Platypus.photo #115
it feels like society is designed to make me feel like the only single girl in the world. everything is partitioned for 2. advertised for couples. i’m an outcast. of one. the world overflows with people. all kinds. from all places. yet i am alone. i cannot at this juncture. find someone to hold my hand. to touch my lips to theirs. my concern is quality. not quantity. of having. the one. not. some one.
i had intoxicating love twice before. but they didn’t bring me immersive satisfaction. so i parted ways. the reasons are not important i suppose. my feelings felt justified. life demands a learning curve. in many respects. through experiences. good and bad. now i walk the streets. each day. alone but content. half aware of my surroundings. one eye open. one ear open. in case my next lover appears. for if i only focus my time searching. i won’t enjoy what lies before me.
but wherever i go. rain or shine. i always keep my colorful umbrella by my side. so when the love of my life is nearby. and i miss my moment of proactive interaction. they will have a better chance of sensing my presence. and discovering me.
fate is a lonely winding road with no beginning, no middle, no end. but in life. the pleasure is also in the path.
at least. that’s what i continually advise myself in times of doubt and depression.
Platypus.photo #114
i refrain from calculating the time and energy and patience i’ve spent looking for love. that mental analysis would only serve to dampen my spirits and circumvent the enjoyment of my search. there’s an endless ocean of options out there. yet. love escapes my grasp. on a daily basis.
with fear and excitement i continue paddling. with patient certainty. optimistic skepticism. there is something discouragingly enjoyable about my inefficient and methodical quest for love. as each night falls. i gaze upon the stars. i make a wish. but not for love and happiness. a wish when i eventually discover my special companion. it becomes obvious to me. and us. that elusive connection is a co-mingling of positive energy and excitement. an emotional, physical and psychological match of incredibly complex proportions.
my search should include a more appropriate public venue to enhance my chance of success. it’s a mental metaphor. i suppose. of my self-sabotaged attempt at love. perhaps it’s my fear of finding my soul mate. and not knowing what to do next. perhaps it’s of finding them. and losing them.
my journey of love is a humbling, lonely experience. but once i discover my soulful companion. life will begin anew. and i will begin another excursion. for me. for them. for two.
Platypus.photo #167
wife: having kids instead of getting a divorce. best decision we ever made.
husband: we’re still together but i barely have to talk to you or interact with you.
wife: exactly. i can pour all my time, attention and love into them instead of you.
husband: plus all that couples crap is gone now. but we still have sex and pretend to be happy.
wife: i didn’t even know what love was, until they came along. it made me realize how much i hated you.
husband: hey should we have more kids?
wife: actually. 2 is perfect. enough to distract us. not so many to drive us crazy.
husband: it’s funny how some parents get a babysitter to get away from their kids.
wife: idiots. why would they want to be alone with their spouse.
husband: what happens when they grow up and leave us?
wife: maybe we’ll love each other more by then. who cares. that’s so far away.
husband: guess we’ll have grandkids to enjoy.
wife: or we get a whole bunch of pets.
husband: anything to avoid being alone with you. don’t get me wrong. i love you.
wife: of course darling. and i love you. just not enough that you’re the only one in my life.
husband: this is such a perfect evening.
wife: i’m in heaven.
Platypus.photo #5
whenever you feel a relationship argument about to begin. just take a deep breath. stuff all those negative feelings deep down inside. go to your happy place. and pretend everything is perfectly fine.
*you may have to do this 14-17 times per day.
Platypus.photo #86
i love you cheeseburger. you have everything i ever wanted. you’re a great combo. you‘re #1. my wife doesn’t get me. but you do. you have a passion and connection that can drive thru me. you make my cholesterol rise. and my arteries hard. i’m in a pickle. i can hardly catch up with my emotions. let us live happily ever after. i belong between your buns. you make me so happy. i know that sounds cheesy. but it’s true.
Platypus.photo #51
ignorance is not a defense. it’s merely an excuse.
traditional values are only repetition. plus time.
tolerance lacks empathy. it doesn’t equal acceptance.
equality is compassion. merged with understanding. wrapped in harmony.
Platypus.photo #14
an appropriate image since love is most certainly full of twists and turns, ups and downs and manic emotions. love also spells vole. which is a small furry rodent. we’re not sure what that has to do with love. but we felt it was worth mentioning.
Platypus.photo #74
dear daddy, i have no money and no credit card so i made a father’s day card and here is also a drawing picture of me and mommy so you remember what we look like when you’re in your apartment all by yourself, without us, alone, cause you left us. ps I still love you!
Platypus.photo #169
him: we’re like the perfectly perfect couple.
her: i couldn’t have asked for anyone more compatible.
him: we have the same pointy nose.
her: we show the same number of teeth when we smile.
him: we drink our wine at the exact same pace.
her: we both love our caesar salad without croutons.
him: we both like to be the one to drive the shopping cart at the market.
her: we both think the best part of every morning is cleaning our ears with a q-tip.
him: we both think the bee gees was the greatest band of all time.
her: we both think everything in the world should smell like a cinnamon roll.
him: we both sneeze with the same intensity and pitch.
her: actually i think we’re too compatible. we should probably get a divorce.
him: and we both have the same sarcastic sense of humor.
her: we should work together so we can be together more often.
him: we should get buried in the same casket together.
her: that’s weird. but romantic.
him: i don’t want to eat my salad cause i’ll have to take my arm off you.
her: i can feed you. and you can leave your hand there.
him: i wonder if all other couples are as happy as us.
her: of course, that’s the beauty of marriage. it erases all stress, dilemmas and disputes.
Platypus.photo #25
this is how a couple celebrates on date night when they have a new born baby.