Platypus.photo #46
hey hey hey, don’t bite where i bite cause that’s like we’re kissing!!
Platypus.photo #23
and they lived happily ever after. *providing they never talk. make plans. or go to a big family event. they never redecorate their home together. talk about money. or look at each other’s emails or texts. they never use sarcasm. show jealousy. or appear aloof and disinterested about anything for any reason at any time. and they never, never. ask about the other person’s past, present or future, whether factual or hypothetical.
Platypus.photo #3
oh my gosh. it’s the exact one i asked you to buy me. what a surprise. you’re so sweet! now let me show you what i want next!
Platypus.photo #159
pinky you’re the most beautiful pig in the world. i like your funny ears. curly tail. wet nose. little eyes. and especially your pink color. today my friend said you’re ugly but i told them you’re the best and prettiest. so i’m not friends with them anymore. i only want nice friends. not stupid friends. pinky i’m going to kiss you on the nose. ready? and please don’t turn into a prince. i want you to stay a pig forever ok.
Platypus.photo #31
peace
love
joy
marriage
less peace
less love
less joy
divorce
Platypus.photo #144
cat: stop licking me.
dog: i like to lick you.
cat: stop licking me.
dog: you taste good.
cat: stop licking me.
dog: i’m enjoying it. i like you.
cat: we’re not supposed to be friends.
dog: says who?
cat: everyone. plus it looks unusual. people may see us.
dog: you can lick my face if you want.
cat: i shall do no such thing.
dog: why do you worry about what other people think?
cat: it would be wise of you to not refuse my demands.
dog: fine. i’ll stop licking. grumpy cat. happy now?
cat: we have a complicated relationship. i have to process this all.
dog: i just do what feels good. it’s easier that way.
cat: so what. you’re just gonna stop licking me?
dog: you said not to.
cat: i merely stated it was a complicated emotion and i was processing it.
dog: are you done processing now?
cat: not yet. but until i’m done. you can lick me some more. if you want to.
dog: of course. i can lick you all day. i once licked a wall for 3 days until the paint came off.
cat: very well then. you may proceed. cause it makes you feel good. but can you please get the top of my left ear. oh yes, that’s the spot. (purrs)
Platypus.photo #181
i have a vivid mental image of what true love is supposed to look like. and feel like. me and a spouse and a tree made of hearts. when i was little i was told i would find love and live happily ever after. that has yet to occur. though ample time has passed me by. did they mislead me? purposely? would my own parents deceive me?
life inundates me continuously with movies and shows and images of love and happiness. songs express to me the undying passion of affection. does that love exist? do i qualify? are we perpetuating a falsehood? some find love but lose it. some get love pulled from their tightly gripped hands. it’s an illusion at best. a crap shoot at worst. the human heart is a resilient and fragile mechanism. it absorbs a roller coaster ride of emotions from heights of elation to depths of despair.
but one day, like everyone else, i will project this fairy-tale of happiness onto to my own children so they too can dream daily of their own true love. and every night they can envision themselves. on a hill. with a bike. and a tree of hearts. and precious birds. and a peaceful skyline. with their loving spouse. sometimes all we have to aspire to is a dream. and in the end. that reality is better. than no dream at all.
Platypus.photo #91
sweetie, are you sure this is how to 69? the magazine article made it sound a lot more, pleasurable.
Platypus.photo #160
wifi. you’re always there for me. my reliable silent companion. keeping me linked to the world and giving me instant answers to everything i need. i even love your name. wifi. i don’t know what it means or how people ever lived before you came along. but as long as i see your 3 magical bars. i feel connected to peace and comfort and convenience.
Platypus.photo #16
oh shadow, if my husband gave me just half the love and attention and happiness you do he would still be here with us today. oh well. his loss.
Platypus.photo #104
that was so cute you tried to lift me onto the counter and hurt your back. but you’re not so young anymore. you think you’re dwayne johnson but you’re not the rock, more like a pebble. i still love you. even as you get older and softer. can you stand up yet? sorry for laughing by the way but you’re lucky you didn’t blame it on my weight or your back pain would be from a kitchen knife and not just a slipped disc.
Platypus.photo #17
bad news honey. you only scored 78% on my love meter. i even changed the batteries to make sure it was accurate. i’m afraid i have to let you go. i packed your stuff and called the movers. they’ll be here in 90 minutes. sorry it didn’t work out. but we can’t argue with science and empirical evidence.
Platypus.photo #117
her: i appreciate the offer. but i’m not dating right now. or looking for anything serious. sorry.
him: it doesn’t have to be an official date. we’ll just run around outside. chase a ball. sit under a tree.
her: you’re very kind for asking. i’m just in a fragile emotional state right now.
him: you had a recent breakup?
her: two in a row. i get attached quickly so i jump in head first. and my heart gets broken.
him: that’s fair. i won’t push. i’ll just wait until you’re ready. are you ready yet? just kidding. how about now? just kidding again.
her: you’re sweet. when i’m ready to socialize again. i promise to let you know.
him: i’ll just lay here next to you. if you don’t mind. i enjoy being close to you. even if it’s just as a friend.
Platypus.photo #126
sometimes when i’m sitting at home with my husband pete. i daydream we’re in a tropical rain forest. i secretly pretend pete becomes san pablo. a tan sexy foreign tour guide whose big strong arms keep me safe. and wrap around me like a python snake.
birds sing out. a waterfall echoes in the background. we kiss. a slow. wet. deep. romantic kiss. that lasts for hours. eventually. i wake up and realize san pablo is just pete. from cincinnati, ohio. his pale skin makes him look like he has the flu. his skinny arms lack the strength to lift me up. pete is not a sexy protector. but a good trusting man. a sensible advisor and great provider.
i feel greedy and selfish for my day dreams. i love pete. but it’s also lovely having two men. it’s my secret and fake fantasy affair i would never dare tell anyone. they are so diverse. pete and san pablo. but it’s my harmless way to get the best of both emotional worlds. sshhh. don’t tell pete!
Platypus.photo #143
dear steve. here’s a greeting card which conveys all the things i never tell you verbally like how much i appreciate you. i found their pre-printed sentiments below very relevant to our relationship. please text me back later to let me know your thoughts. love susan.
Platypus.photo #178
him: i’ve been online dating 11 years and you’re the first person i contacted.
her: my profile was blank. i didn’t even upload a photo.
him: let’s toast. to our first date. and the color blue.
her: these first 5 minutes have been extraordinary. plus i like wine.
him: i would like you to be my girlfriend.
her: i accept. but i should warn you i’m wearing a push up bra.
him: this isn’t my real hair. and i fart in my sleep. really loud. almost hourly.
her: i’m insecure. i’ll probably follow you around secretly to see where you go each day.
him: i eat a lot of microwave popcorn. even for dinner.
her: i like that your belt color matches your shoes. and you have good posture.
him: i like your fingers. i hope to kiss them soon.
her: have you ever been to prison?
him: no. you like guys who went to prison?
her: no i was just curious. it’s better you haven’t been to prison.
him: i got tingles. is this love? it feels like love. or i have to pee.
her: i don’t want to break up with you ever.
him: i’m getting sexually aroused. i’d better not stand up.
her: i have butterflies. at home. just mentioning in case you don’t like them.
him: i like butterflies. i also like butter. but i don’t like flies.
her: i’ve never touched a penis. or been to paris. should we get married?
him: married? wow! ok. i don’t think i own a suitcase.
her: we can get wedding rings after dinner.
him: how about before dinner?
her: i really want to try their cobb salad.
him: understood. oh. i don’t own a car. but i know how to juggle.
her: i would like to have 4 kids. cause I like even numbers and that’s like two pairs of two.
him: i’m excited cause you have nice eyelashes. plus i’ve never seen a cobb salad.
her: i like that your hair wraps around your face.
him: do you believe in fate and destiny and soul mates?
her: no. not at all. but our meeting would be a good example of that.
him: you’re pretty. and it’s nice weather outside. i hope i can make you happy.
her: this is a nice first date. i hope i will be a good wife for you.
Platypus.photo #179
it was a typical day. but when you appeared. the world morphed into the background. and all i saw was you. and i knew.
Platypus.photo #108
my shopping life is pretty similar to my dating life. i search endless hours for my best options. i try on things. put some back. what looks good doesn’t always fit properly. or has inferior quality. and when someone else tries to grab that masterpiece off the rack before me. i politely shove them away, rip it off the hanger and clutch it to my chest. hoping i don’t have to return it! yep. shopping is dating. kind of a love hate yin yang experience that is mentally and physically challenging while exciting and frustrating at the same time.
Platypus.photo #41
it’s a lovely and romantic image but after time the majestic strength and beauty of this love cloud will eventually dissipate into a broken, shattered, faded, lonely and pitiful heart. just like most relationships... how appropriate.
Platypus.photo #130
good morning yellow flower. how are you? i like to water you cause you’re my favorite flower. i like red too. but there are so many red and you’re the only yellow one. don’t be jealous of red flowers. different is better. so you’re special. wanna bite of my sandwich? peanut butter makes me thirsty. but i don’t like water with peanut butter. only milk. do you like milk? do you like my hat? i don’t like my hat. mommy says the sun burns people. guess it doesn’t burn flowers cause you don’t wear a hat. i have to go now. i’ll see you again tomorrow. thanks for letting me water you. have a nice day yellow flower.