you know what. sometimes a sneeze. is just a sneeze. not a virus fueled attack cylinder launching out into the world.
leave it to our government to take a 3 sentence suggestion and turn it into 168 pages of illegible and unrecognizable verbiage that defies logic and simplicity.
sorry, uber isn’t letting anyone in our cars. hop on the roof. don’t worry. i installed a seat belt up there. just don’t open your mouth while we’re driving and grip on tight with both hands.
a 6 step illustration on installing a face mask seems excessive but this is actually a shorter version of the 47 steps they had as their first draft.
travel ban huh? don’t leave the country. oh. i can’t spend money i don’t have on things i can’t afford, waiting in long airport lines, getting a suitcase and meal surcharge and cramming into a tiny seat for 10 hours knowing if i cancel or get sick my fantasy becomes a nightmare. stay home? you don’t have to tell me twice.
her: i’m loving this online dating. i no longer have to meet up with creepy weird horny guys. i can just text them, flirt and call it a night.
him: i’m loving this online dating. i no longer have to actually take a girl out, blow a ton of bucks on a steak dinner and risk getting rejected.
bad greeting: hi, great to see you again, you look fantastic!
good greeting: stop right there, thanks! now we both turn around while we talk so be sure to yell really loud!
the foot bump greeting is quickly gaining popularity, but first soak both shoes in hand sanitizer then immediately after contact with your friends, burn your shoes in a virus inspired bonfire.
the 6 foot high five is a safe salutation these days but still be careful as one high-powered sneeze can launch a mask right off their face, catapulting up to 5 ½ feet away.
the high five elbow bump is another non-touch method of acknowledgement, long as your faces stay 6 feet apart – which makes it difficult for anyone less than 17 feet tall.
don’t worry america. we have our very top scientists and researchers working on a covid-19 cure.
something seems slightly different now when i search dating profiles on match.com. hmmm. not sure what it is. i can’t quite put my finger on it.
being around everything in the world now so nice and clean and shiny and sanitized is just reminding me how utterly, dirty, grimy, germy, and gross everything used to be!
mom I swear, if you wash my hands one more time my finger prints will fall off.
that was 70 Platypus.photos! and if you think reading them is time consuming, try writing them! want more? want less? we just want this global disaster over with!
feel free to share these with friends and family.
*the ones who can handle pessimistic sarcasm.
if you want to see our original non-covid Playpus.photos, click below. 101 more ridiculous musings about people, personalities and relationships. but some are super long, so be prepared and grab a pillow! plus some hummus and crackers would also go nicely right about now.