Platypus.photo #113
"let’s get this photo shoot over with. please keep your distance. the general public is not allowed within 8 feet of me. my lip injections cost more than your car. my eye brows were styled from a descendant of michael angelo. my eyelashes were replaced with the whiskers of baby seals. i’ve had my fingernails removed and replaced with fake ones. so they will never grow. the playboy mansion to me, is just a walk in closet. my last boyfriend bought us four islands in the bahamas and connected them by conveyor belts.
my feet haven’t touched the ground in 3 months. i am carried everywhere by servants. my entire body has been sprayed with a special sealant so i haven’t aged in 4 years. i soak in a tub of goat milk and 40 year old scotch for 2 hours each night. i have a stylist who massages my hair while i sleep, one strand at a time. it takes her 8 hours. and when she’s done, she wakes me up by playing a violin. ok, your time is up. you can now thank me for allowing you to capture my image."
Platypus.photo #39
we’re not sure what he’s doing or why but we’re pretty sure it’s one of these:
a: he realized his wife found his fetish porn collection on his laptop.
b: he realized his laptop camera was broadcasting him dancing naked in the bedroom on his facebook live account.
c: he realized he’s so dreadfully boring there’s absolutely nothing he has to be ashamed of.
d: nothing is wrong. he just looks like that every day, all day, for no apparent reason.
Platypus.photo#118
girlfriend: (calmly) you’re breaking up with me? i was about to break up with you.
boyfriend: (calmly) you were? then why did you bring me a present?
girlfriend: you’re fabulous. it’s just not working out the way i intended. why did you bring me flowers?
boyfriend: you’re fabulous too! i just had a different vision of how i wanted my relationship to go. i’m sorry.
girlfriend: i’m sorry too.
boyfriend: you’re so nice.
girlfriend: you’re so sweet.
boyfriend: i just can’t marry you.
girlfriend: and i can’t marry you.
boyfriend: understood. can we still have lunch together?
girlfriend: of course, i’m starving, and i love this place.
boyfriend: i meant. can we have lunch more times. in the future. and still be friends?
girlfriend: yes. that would be both enjoyable and acceptable. thank you for asking.
boyfriend: thank you for understanding. and accepting my offer.
girlfriend: thank you for not trying to force something that doesn’t exist.
boyfriend: you’re so nice.
girlfriend: you’re so sweet.
Platypus.photo #50
sometimes evolution.
is a revolution.
Platypus.photo #171
her: sometimes it feels like i’m the only single person in the world.
him: why is it so hard to find someone to date. i don’t get it.
her: i’m not even picky. i just want someone to love. and to love me.
him: next time i see someone cute and alone, i’ll just ask them out.
her: i guess i need to be more aware of my options and surroundings.
him: i should travel the world. and find a wife. clearly i can’t do that here.
her: i should try online dating. that’s the only way i’ll find someone.
him: obviously sitting alone on this bench isn’t going to help any.
her: obviously sitting alone on this bench isn’t going to help any.
Platypus.photo #121
henry, we don’t walk as fast as we used to but we get where we’re going. we’ve done a lot of walking over the years. i wonder how many pairs of shoes we’ve used up. so many leaves today. good thing i got my hat. so they don’t get in my hair. my favorite part about walking is holding your arm. kids these days. they hold hands. i don’t get it. i prefer to hold your arm. uh oh. which way. left? ya let’s go left. look at all these leaves. so many leaves. mylanta. a lot of leaves today. i feel like orange juice. henry. when we get back i’m going to pour us a glass of orange juice.
Platypus.photo #125
man: so billy, i wanted to talk with you alone cause you’re the man of the house and i would like your permission to make your mom my girlfriend. i think it’s important you are part of this family decision.
billy: well. I’m just a kid but if you want my opinion. you don’t get her car door when you pick her up. you don’t hold her hand very much. your clothes are boring. your hairline is receding. she told me your beard scratches her face when you kiss. i never hear you make her laugh. And you don’t seem to give her very many compliments. i like you and you’re a super nice guy but you need to try harder cause she deserves more. just saying. good talk though. thanks for asking. if that’s all i’d like to get back to my video games now.
Platypus.photo #194
i’m back my beautiful blue bundle of joy. did you miss me? oh i hate parting from you. even for an hour. you drive me crazy with passion. you exhaust me with anticipation. you make me feel safe and secure, even without a seat belt. when i touch your controls and you rev out loud. it’s a mental orgasm. sally didn’t understand what you and i share. she’s limited by human emotions.
she was jealous i spend 4 hours a night in the garage, massaging you with soap and avian water and drying you with a soft non-abrasive diaper. when she found me sleeping inside of you last night she said it was her or you. it was a silly threat. which backfired. no car pun intended. so anyway. she’s gone now. it’s just me and you. this weekend we’ll take a long drive. we’ll find a lovely scenic place to park. play some nice music. and just see what happens.
i mean. it’s silly. it’s not like we can get married. right? i mean that would be weird. wouldn’t it? the important thing is we keep an open mind for our relationship. and see where this road takes us.
Platypus.photo #43
this is roger. roger is an accountant.
5 minutes after this photo roger gets fired.
for daydreaming on the job.
he packed up all 7 items from his desk.
and rode his bike home.
to his tiny empty apartment.
to see his pet hamster.
and water his plant.
and sit on his bean bag.
and have a beer.
and then he realized.
how much more time he now has to daydream.
and roger smiled.
and his spirits lifted.
roger was happy once again.
daydreaming of the love he hopes to achieve.
Platypus.photo #30
her: arg matey. i’m gonna make ye walk the plank.
him: arg i’m gonna pillage you. then rape your village.
her: you’re a horrible pirate. you don’t even wear a pirate hat. arg.
him: arg. i ate my hat. cause i was hungry. you don’t have a hat either. or an eye patch.
her: i’m not dumb enough to lose an eye. let me get my cannon so i can blow ye up.
him: you’re too drunk to shoot straight. plus you don’t have a match to light the canon.
her: arg. you’d be a helpful first mate. care to join me on my pirate ship?
him: is there booze and looting?
her: there’ll be nothing of the sorts. i’m a good pirate. stop stereotyping all pirates. arg!
him: aye aye captain. i’ll be a nice pirate too. let’s deliver food and toys to those in need.
her: arg. now you’re talkin. we can start a recycling program. and give boat rides to kids.
him: haha. oh my god. that was hysterical. i like the pirate game.
her: ok ok. who should we do next?
him: how about marge and homer simpson?
her: awesome. you go first.
him: marge i’m going to make a beer can out of a donut so when i’m done drinking i can eat the donut can. doh!!
her: oh homey. you’re the dumbest genius i’ve ever known.
Platypus.photo #20
you + me = love
and precious memories
and sunday brunches
bicycle rides
apple tv
holding hands while we sleep
amazon prime shopping
more hugs and kisses than i can count
of course we also endure
stress,
compromise,
conflict,
confusion
resentment,
miscommunication,
jealousy
endless fights with no clear winner
being a couple isn’t always easy or fun. but i love you, even when i hate you.
Platypus.photo #92
hurry up and take the photo. his hand smells like sardines covered in cherry cough syrup. and his palm is clammy. like it’s been stuck under a sofa cushion for 2 weeks. plus he’s breathing so loudly thru his nose it’s like a sea otter when they surface to get air. i used to be a victoria secret model for god sake. i cant believe i’m doing cheesy stock photo shoots to pay my rent. good grief. take the photo so i can wash the smell of axe body spray and manscaping off my face and get back to my cat and my netflix!
Platypus.photo #45
i love you. even more than i love sushi. wait. what am i saying. that’s not true. i love sushi more than you. but you are 2nd. actually i forgot cinnabon. ok. you’re 3rd place. technically there’s also pad thai noodles. but you can’t be expected to compete with thai food. shoot. pasta. mmmm. lobster ravioli. i’m getting hungry. damn. coffee bean. can’t live without my hazelnut café mocha. shoot. i suddenly thought of 100 things i love more than you. but they’re food related so besides eating and drinking, i love you most.
let’s not get caught up in more or less love ratios. it’s not a love contest. all that matters is i that love you. almost as much as roller-coasters. shopping. movies. and the beach. ok, let me start over. this isn’t coming out romantic like i thought. i love you. i should have really just stopped right there. my bad.
Platypus.photo #186
this is my first attempt at online dating. do i tell you how fabulous i am? and be overflowing with confidence? nah. here i am. just me. and a red rose for you. i am simple. humble. realistic. i’m sorry i am not visually appealing. people tell me my eyes are big. my ears are crooked. and my head’s a funny shape. i also make a lot of noise when i drink water. but i offer you fiercely loyal companionship. i will focus my time and attention solely on you. and us. and each day, strive to make our love a little stronger.
cuddling is important to me so if you don’t appreciate a frequent peaceful embrace, i’m not for you. since i don’t offer much. i don’t ask for much. imperfections are important. perfect is an illusion. i prefer flaws. i don’t care about height. weight. money. or sexual orientation. i don’t do labels. i don’t say things i don’t mean. i don’t promise things i can’t deliver. life is short. but too long to spend it alone. if you feel a connection. with my picture. my words. and me.
i hope you can become the center of my universe. any couple can be together. physically. but if our hearts connect. emotionally. life’s background will dissipate. the earth’s rotation will slow. clouds will dissolve into the sun. and we will be as one.
Platypus.photo #44
the good news.
andrew finally got his wish of a threesome.
the bad news.
the nanny cam caught it on video for the wife to see.
Platypus.photo #162
we’re not sure what this photo means but most likely:
a. i love you so intensely, you ignite my heart and soul.
b. you infuriate me daily and bring me irreversible heart burn.
c. our lustful urges imploded and faded away. i’m left emotionless.
d. it’s not a heart. a fire breathing dragon just farts in funny shapes.
Platypus.photo #140
you can put the groceries here. thanks for carrying them in. you’re so strong. you make it look easy. oh. here’s my credit card. i’m going to give you a nice tip for being helpful and cute. and since you seem so handy. can you help me with one more thing. in the bedroom. i know that sounds awkward. but my bed squeaks. really loud. and it’s just me in this big empty house. a squeaky bed scares me at night. when i’m all alone. in bed. would you mind taking a look.
i can tip you in cash. so no one would have to know. i also have some girlfriends who would love a nice young man to deliver them groceries too. i could give them your name if you’d like. cause i like to help people. when people help me. what do you think. can we help each other. for about an hour each week?
Platypus.photo #96
and when i woke up i realized it was all a dream. there was no romantic mystical love tree. no floating hearts. no green grass to frolic around in like bunny rabbits in heat. no park bench to sit on and reminisce about our future together. and no sexy wife in a dress and heels. there was just janet, beside me in bed. wearing her sleep apnea mask on her face and her baggy flannel pajamas. her hair unkempt like a birds nest. but i realized how much i love her. just the way she is. no matter where or what or when.
Platypus.photo #36
stephanie and steven combined their total income of $100,000 and realized this was the only home they could afford to buy in california.
Platypus.photo #151
her: honey can you move out of the way, you’re ruining my photo.
him: you’re doing it again. you’re obsessed with yourself.
her: damn this white sweater. it makes my teeth look dull.
him: you never even take pictures of us, just yourself.
her: you moved your head but your hand’s still in the shot babe.
him: let’s go on a hike. or camping. or sit on the beach together.
her: and done. thanks hon. you can put your arm around me again.
him: i’m single and have a girlfriend at the same time. it’s very confusing for me. do you know what i mean?
her: shoot. i can’t post that. bad angle. honey, scoot left again.